guilt | dragonteach's Blog

I am not one to feel guilty about very much.  I felt it when my children left me and I didn't work harder to keep them.  I felt it recently when I overdosed on my daughter's couch.  I am sure there were times when I should have felt it, but I try not to do anything I could end up feeling guilty about.  So, today, I am pretty sure I am feeling guilty over something I probably don't have any reason to feel guilty about.  But, I can't help it.

I was with my last husband for twenty years.  We are thirteen years difference in age. So, he is in his sixties, not really that old.  He has had some health issues for a few years.  We had a few scares with his heart and possible cancer.  We managed to get through it and I was there for him the whole time.  I worried about him through all of it.  I didn't feel any guilt because of those sicknesses.  Although he tried to make me feel guilty because toward the end I did stop worring because it seemed he was going over board with worry.  Now, he is going through another medical problem.

I saw on facebook from his boss, yes I have kept them on my facebook, he had to go for surgery today.  He has always had problems with kidney stones.  If anyone has had them, you will know they are painful to pass.  I guess he had to go for surgery today to have tubes put in from his kidneys to his bladder.  And I am not sure if it was outpatient or not or anything else.  But, I am filled with guilt because I am here taking care of myself and should be there to take care of him.  I had promised him I would be there for all of this.  I know he is being well taken care of, but he will be alone at home. 

Of course, I had good reasons for leaving.  It is important for me to be here taking care of myself.  I out grew him and he was too posessive.  I wouldn't have gotten well if I had stayed with him.  I am pretty sure I would have found a way to die if I had stayed with him.  He wasn't  helpful wii th my problems.  I was suppose to just deal with it and take care of him.  And that is why I feel bad about not being there.  After doing that for twenty years, I just feel I should be there for him, even though I won't call him so I don't get even more upset.  So, now I have to deal with one more dumb feeling.