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dragonteach's Blog


A life update.

I decided it might be a good thing to update what has been going on with me. And one thing I haven't mentioned in all this time, at least that is what a few of you have said, is that I was in the hospital for a mental illness.  This was months ago and I am in a program which is helping me to learn to cope better and become independent.  So, I am doing rather well most of the time.  Lately, I have found myself very happy.  I have put together a happiness journal in which I put down what has made me happy throughout the day.  Every day I have several different things I can say have made me happy.  And some of it is the people I have here on EP.  So many of you do things to get me smiling, I couldn't possibly stay too depressed for more than a week or so.  I have gotten some distressful news today.  One of my dear EP friends has gone to the hospital with a severe heart attack.  As of right now he is in the hospital still uncouncious.  I know there isn't anything I can do except send healing thoughts his way.  So, that is what I am doing hoping he will be well again. 

Today has been a weird sort of day for me other than getting that bad news.  I forced myself to go out in the cold to do some shopping.  I walked across to the stores in this plaza.  It is so cold out there with the wind, I could hardly breath.  But, I made it to the first store I wanted to go into.  It happened to be a clothing store that is going out of business.  It is hard for me to find good clothes in my size in my price range.  So, I took advantage of it today.  I bought three pairs of different colored jeans and three tops to go with them, plus a bra that originally would have cost around $40 and the total for all of it was only $40.  I love it when I can get such great bargains.  I have never had expensive clothes like this before.  I mean the original prices on all of this stuff is more than I would have ever paid.  I would never pay $40 for a bra, I don't care if it was covered n gold.  But, when it is priced $4 I didn't mind at all.  And it is a beautiful one at that.  Sitting here wearing it with no shirt on, I really like how it holds me up.  And then I went to a craft store a little farther on and bought a few things I have been wanting and a few things I happened to see.  So, my shopping was a great success.  Then I had to walk back home into the arctic wind.  Took my breath away.  And with the cold, the artheritis in my hip and lower back get hurting very badly.  So, I was glad to get back to the warm apartment with my goodies.  Then, not to long after that, I have to go to the pulmonologist.  Been having problems breathing and sleeping.  Plus, I was told I have a black spot on my lung that needs to be watched over.  So, the wonderful doctor, and I do mean wonderful, asked a few questions, gave me a few things to read and told me I have COPD or emphesima.  And I have sleep apnea.  But, to be sure, I get to have a few tests done.  So, add a lung condition to the rest of my ailments.  And more medicine, I have two inhalers now.  When I travel now I look like I am a pharmacy.  Need a suitcase just for the medications.  And of course he wants me to loose weight, which I agree with.  And I have to stay away from certain foods for a while as well.  I figure it is just one more thing to deal with and let it roll off my back.  No worries right now.  So, that is where I am in a nut shell, not the nut house again.  Except where ever I live can be considered the nut house.  Keep smiling and thinking good thoughts. 

This is funny.  I was so busy talking about today, I didn't mention what a wonderful day I had yesterday.  I had a wonderful male visitor.  The first one in a very long time.  We had a great time together.  I loved what he did for me.  And how much attention he gave me.  This might sound funny when talking about a stranger I had sex with but he is kind and considerate of my feelings and needs.  I spent the day with a huge smile on my face, as well as last night and all day today.  And every so often, I would moan under my breath with a memory of what he did yesterday, that is how good it was.  So, I had a great time yesterday, so I could hold onto the memories while I go through a few sad times. 

guilt

I am not one to feel guilty about very much.  I felt it when my children left me and I didn't work harder to keep them.  I felt it recently when I overdosed on my daughter's couch.  I am sure there were times when I should have felt it, but I try not to do anything I could end up feeling guilty about.  So, today, I am pretty sure I am feeling guilty over something I probably don't have any reason to feel guilty about.  But, I can't help it.

I was with my last husband for twenty years.  We are thirteen years difference in age. So, he is in his sixties, not really that old.  He has had some health issues for a few years.  We had a few scares with his heart and possible cancer.  We managed to get through it and I was there for him the whole time.  I worried about him through all of it.  I didn't feel any guilt because of those sicknesses.  Although he tried to make me feel guilty because toward the end I did stop worring because it seemed he was going over board with worry.  Now, he is going through another medical problem.

I saw on facebook from his boss, yes I have kept them on my facebook, he had to go for surgery today.  He has always had problems with kidney stones.  If anyone has had them, you will know they are painful to pass.  I guess he had to go for surgery today to have tubes put in from his kidneys to his bladder.  And I am not sure if it was outpatient or not or anything else.  But, I am filled with guilt because I am here taking care of myself and should be there to take care of him.  I had promised him I would be there for all of this.  I know he is being well taken care of, but he will be alone at home. 

Of course, I had good reasons for leaving.  It is important for me to be here taking care of myself.  I out grew him and he was too posessive.  I wouldn't have gotten well if I had stayed with him.  I am pretty sure I would have found a way to die if I had stayed with him.  He wasn't  helpful wii th my problems.  I was suppose to just deal with it and take care of him.  And that is why I feel bad about not being there.  After doing that for twenty years, I just feel I should be there for him, even though I won't call him so I don't get even more upset.  So, now I have to deal with one more dumb feeling. 

Women and orgasming

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Here I am once again.

I made it.  I have to say, I stuggled, pushed, shoved, argued with myself, fell down, got up and kept going and made it to this time and place. I have been building my life up to where I want it to be.  I am becoming the woman I want to be.  I am proud of myself and like myself for me.  I know now what kind of person I am and am wanting to become.  I also know, I love sex still and love to have people admiring my body and what I like to do on line.  I do want a man to be with me and respect me for who I am.  A man who wants to love me for who I am and not want to change me.  I have decided I am in control of my life and I am not letting go of that control to anyone.  I will stand up for myself.  If I don't, who will?  I am evolving into a beautiful butterfly.  I am spreading my wings.  Right now I am in training to become a sexual assualt advocate.  Seems I can't stop helping people in any way. 

Does it seem like I am being self centered and selfish?  Then, you really don't know me.  If you knew me at all, you would know  how hard it has been for me to believe in myself.  How hard it has been for me to take care of myself.  And how hard it is for me to know I need to come first if I want to help any one in any way.  It is not being selfish to take care of ones self.  It just makes for a better person who can reach out to others.  Be proud of me.  And know with all the struggling I have done, I have come out on top of the shit pile.

What happened

I have been being asked what happened to me by all my wonderful friends.  I am writing this quick blog to cover it briefly and hope I will have time soon to write better written more informative stories.  For now, this should help inform those of you who want to know what happened.  I know my friends will understand, and those of you who are just sex friends wll know I am back.  That are many things that put me there.  I know that is the same time I said I was done with sex and had a man in my life.  And then I disappeared.  The man in my life really should have kept me going, but I was already so depressed even the love I was getting wasn't enough at that time.  I had gone through too much where I was living, memories were jumping on me, no sleep, not eating right and not taking my medicine.  So, I fell down a hole.  All I could see was the darkness and no way out.  Trust me when I say, there isn't any thing anyone could have done, none of you could have helped me.  I lost myself.  A wonderful man I was truly in love with basically let me know he wouldn't be able to be available to be ever because of his obligations.  Sorry, to the other man, but it was a leap to be happy some how.  I spiraled down into nothing.  I eventually gave up to the darkness.  I didn't feel like I was in my body, so when I started taking pills, it just didn't dawn on me there was something wrong with it.  As I continued to take them, I thought I would just fall asleep on my daughter's couch and she would call an ambulance, send me to the hospital and I would be fine.  It took her 12 hours to realize there was something wrong.  Two days later I woke up in the hospital.  I spent a week there with out internet.  Then, I have been put na respite bed without internet, and i took three days to get my things.  So, all of you have heard from me as quickly as I could.

This is a side line.  A dear sweet man I wanted to be with was hurt badly by my disappearing and not talking to him.  I want him to know how so sorry I am.  So, if anyone who reads this is a friend with wheezer, the old man, and it probably had numbers after it.  He is 62 years old and lives in CA.  I don't want to put his name here, but I do know his name.  If youcan do anything to help me get in touch wih hiim I would appreciate it.  I believe I have his address, but would ;love his phone number or email address.  Especially since it looks like he isn't on line any mor.  Thank you.

confused

I think I am a total wreck.  I am so messed up I have agreed to doing something that is going to be hard for me.  But, isn't anything bad, in fact something really good could come from it.  I might have acted ou of desperation.  I just don't know.  I have always jumpd in wit two feet, ever tested the waters.  This is one of those jump times.  I want things to work out well for myself.  I trust so many people and so many times I am let down.  I am only hoping the trust I gave tonight, won't be mis used. 

Humiliation

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Getting Caught up

I haven't posted on here for a few days so I thought I should while I could.  I have made some good friends on here, as I have probably said before.  I just one to tell about one that helped me the other night.  And what he did might have been done by a few of you if you were the one talking to me at the time.  As everyone should know, I have some mental problems.  My depression gets to the point where I become suicidal.  I have anxiety attacks,and my moods go up and down like a roller coaster.  And I do take medicine and it has stopped working.  Yes, I plan on finding a psychologist to evaluate me and help with medication.  So,any way to what I was saying.  A couple of nights ago I was talking with a friend and ended up talking about some difficult things.  Let's say I ended up hallucinating and scared to go to bed after I was done with talking about some of the serious stuff.  A lot of times, at night, I see my grandfather's face looking at me from my bed.  He can only do it in the dark.  So, I know I am safe where I sit.  Well, because of that fear, I stay up all night and sometimes start thinking about suicide.  This last time, the person I had been talking with volunteered to stay up all night with me.  I couldn't go to bed, and he talked to me the whole night.  When, the day was almost beginning, I was able to go to bed.  My wonderful friend did everthing he could to relax me and calm me down.  He is a wonderful friend.  I have added him to my special friend list in my mind.  Thank you my friend. And thank you to all of my friends  All of you are wonderful for being concerned with how I am doing.  All of you are great.

Not Suicidal tonight

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After 31 years I am still not good enough

I just don't get it.  For one thing I know how this goes, he does it all the time.  Why should I be upset about it now?  I think it has finally dawned on me that with out him, I am really alone.  I don't have any self.  I don't know who I am.  I lost myself a long time ago and don't know how to bring me back.  And it is getting worse instead of better.  I am no ones anything, not really.  I should be alright with me a mom and a grandma, daughter,sister, but, I'm not.  I don't fit in any where.  I am different than all of them.  I don't know anyone.  I don't know me.  Do, I really like sex this much?  Or is it to keep my mind off of everything else.  It is great attention.  I do things other women don't.  But, is it what I really want.  I live out in the middle of no where.  And I don't want to be around people, but I do want to be around people.  I don't want to make my own decisions, but I do want to.  I want to be independent, but am too scared to do it.  I want someone to lean onl.  And I lost that or maybe never really had it.  Maybe just not as much as I want it any way.  Thirty one years I have know him.  Finally, I am alone, no obligations, he is free and he doesn't really want me.  That is the way we have always been.  But, I changed.  I need him.  I need to cry to him and get his advice, let him tell me what to do next.  I feel so alone right now, I am not sure if I want to keep living.  What is the point really?  I am surrounded by things I have gotten from him to help me stay sane.  Now, what do I do, when it is him that is doing this to me.  I want so much to cut myself.  Why not?  It will be at least a week before I see him again.  And then he will get on line a beg me to come see him.  Talk to me on the phone and tell me how much he wants me to give him a blow job.  How I am the only one who knows how to please him like that.  I am the only one who knows him almost better than he knows himself.  And yet, he doesn't want me.  I am just a play thing and I have decided I want more.  But, he will beg and I will go running, just tospend what time I can with him.  I have mny ways I cold be gone for evr.  But, when I decided to do that, I need to find a spot where my grndchildren can't find me.  It will devastate them, but they will get over it.  They all will get over it and forget about me in time.  Everyone will forget about me in time.  I am just another person in everyones lives.  Just another face, someone who was there to have fun with for a while.  And then there will be someone else and I will be gone forever.  It would be so easy to do.  I have been told cowards take their own lives.  It takes courage to live.  What if I don't have any courage.  What if it has disappeared with my sanity.  Every day it is geting harder to keep me together for others around here.  Maybe, if I had a phone and knew the local hotline number, tonight would be the night to call it.  I want so badly to be gone, to cut my arms up because I am no good for anything, I am nothing.  Have always been nothing.  No one.  I should be dead.  It would save people the hassle of figuring out what to do with me.  Am I that far gone now.  I didn't think I could get this low.  I didn't know I could hurt this much any more.  I thought the pain from the abuse was as bad as it could get.  Now, I am at the bottom of the barrel and can't see out.  I know if I keep writing, I won't do it right now.  And I know the more I write the less likely I am to do it.  But, then again, I might just talk myself into it.  See how crazy I am.  Those of you who llike to talk with me probably didn't know how bad I really am.  I didn't know how bad I really am until right now.  I want to be dead.  I shouldn't let how someone else feels about me effect me so much, but it does.  Thirty one years I have known him.  Yes we were apart for most of them, but every time we could we would get together.  He has always been my safety net.  Now, I am left to fall.  The funny thing is I don't think he really knows how much I rely on him.  I know he doesn't realize what he is doing to me telling me he might see another woman.  That is what we do.  We find other people all the time.  But, I really need him this time.  I don't have anyone.  Maybe I should go hide at my brother's place.  Make him leave me alone.  But that won't matter because he will let me do what ever I waqnt to, cut myself up, kill myself.  It wouldn't matter and he has already proven that to me.  So, what do I do.  Really, what do I do.


More Gabby stuff

Remember, I use my blog to let off steam and just gab.  Well, tonight is a gabbing night.  My Daughter decided to give her son a birthday party today.  She waits until the last minute to figure out where to have it.  Both near by parks ended up having events at them.  So, it came down to  having it at her father in laws house.  Yippee.  It is not a place I like to be at.  The best part was watching the kids kill the piniota.  They did a great job getting it broken and gathering all the candy and stuff.  They didn't push and shove but shared.  Of course the cake and ice cream were good.  But, that is it for me.  So, I had taken my markers and paper with me and sat at the table to begin a new drawing.  I was the only way I could stay sane throughout the night.  Victoria sat with me for  a while.  I hate these parties.  Hurring up to do things or get together or whatever sucks and then I don't know anyone or don't really want to know them, I have tried, but I am different from most of them, I have lived in the real world not just the sheltered world of this county.  I go for my daughter, but maybe I can get out of all of it when I move out of here.  And I have been lucky, I have gotten to sit in her airconditioned house for a few hours while they are gone.  My tin box is probably cool because it has been raining some and is doing it again now.  But, I like to watch TV as well.  So, I am here until they come home.

Tired out

I recently have been going through a rough patch with my depression.  Also, I am having internet problems and the power was off last night.  I have been falling asleep earlier the last few night.  I am not ignoring any one.  I know I have told some of my friends i would be on at a certain time and then i am not.  It is mainly for the reasons I have mentioned.  As I am writing this, I am yawning and my eyes are closing.  I have to get my sleep as I am ging through this crap.  So, please do not abadoned me or think I have left you high and dry.  I am here, just not as long at night rightnow.  Please for give me for not being around as much as I was before.  I will be myself again soon.  Thank you for all of your support and help through this rough patch.

So many men

I am so surprised I have so many men who want to talk with me.  I don't think I am that different to attrackt so many men.  It is quite wonderful in many ways.  It is fun to talk with people from around the world.  And I  am having fun getting them off.  I love it when  I am told that it was the most cum they have ever done.  Or that was the first time I could get off with just reading it or talking about sex.  All the firsts and the pleasure from it is why I do it, mostly.  And then there is that time or two when I get off so completly I am thrilled.  I am lucky to get so many replies to things I have written and so much attention.  It is wonderful for an attention junkie like myself.  I just can't believe I have over one hundred men talking to me off and on.  It is just so much fun.

So what happened

I guess I love my sex appeal.  Usually when i am off the computer for a few hours, I get all kinds of messages, comments on stories, just attention.  Now a few messages.  So, I am losing my sex life

chatting

I am quite lucky in the fact I have many men who want to chat with me.  I love it.  Each one has different things to offer and see.  I have a lot of fun when I am on line with everyone.  Sometimes I am chatting with more that one person at at time.   And once in a while I like to web cam with who ever wants to join in.  But, these past few days there has been a few things that have rally pissed me off.

One I believe I wrote about yesterday.  If you are gong to web cam with me it is expected if we are being sexual, that you cum in front of me. That is the main reason I invite men to join me if you have a camera.  Will I get on a camera without you having one, yes.  I do it when I feel like it.  If you ask me to show myself to you and I say no, respect me enough to say alright or ask when would be a good time.  I am a human being.  Albiet, I love sex and seem like a major whore, but that doesn't mean I should be treated with disrespect.  I am a human being, and in my  mind all human's deserve repect.  I don't have to show you anything, I don't have to talk to you, and i don't have to put up with you.  I don't need anyone in particuar.  So, piss me off and I will delete you. 

Next, just chatting is fun.  We can talk about anything you want to talk about.  I love to chat and share stuff.  There isn't anything off limits to me.  Well, except for where I live, I will tell you if I am comfortable with you, and I don't show pictues of anyone in my family. Now if I tell you I need to go, I need to go.  I do my best not to be rude to anyone.  I try to let everyone know when and why I need to go.  I am just that way.  I respect other people.  I expect the same treatment.  So, when I say we can talk later, say alright and when, don't be rude to me and keep talking for more than a sentence or two.  Respect me as a human being.  And I am not available to everyone for any of this if I don't like what I see in your profile or groups.  That is all there is to it. 

Disappointed

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discovered what to do on a blog

So, I guess this is the place to just write what ever I want to write.  To write my poems and thought without having to figure out what category to post in.  And I think this is going to be better than dong it all somewhere else.  So, now I know where to write poetry and stories.  Thought and feelings.  I like this, I can ramble and do what I want.  So, look forward to all kinds of stuff from me.

1-13 of 13 Blogs   

Previous Posts
A life update., posted January 22nd, 2013
guilt, posted January 4th, 2013, 1 comment
Women and orgasming, posted December 6th, 2012, 2 comments
Here I am once again., posted November 20th, 2012, 2 comments
What happened, posted September 18th, 2012
confused, posted August 25th, 2012, 1 comment
Humiliation, posted August 21st, 2012, 2 comments
Getting Caught up, posted August 13th, 2012, 1 comment
Not Suicidal tonight, posted August 8th, 2012, 2 comments
After 31 years I am still not good enough, posted August 6th, 2012, 3 comments
More Gabby stuff, posted August 5th, 2012
Tired out, posted August 1st, 2012, 2 comments
So many men, posted July 24th, 2012, 2 comments
So what happened, posted July 19th, 2012
chatting, posted July 19th, 2012, 1 comment
Disappointed, posted July 18th, 2012
discovered what to do on a blog, posted July 18th, 2012, 2 comments

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